A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate him.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull." They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet witched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for advancement will pass right by you.
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The
Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Always let your boss have the first say.
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... But she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100. if you let me have sex with you... The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!. Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.' She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says. 'Ask him for $200., and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriends call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened...?' Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'
And as a result: A Japanese Software company and an American Software company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India . Sadly, The End.
Expensive Monkeys A guy went into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed to the customer,saying, "That'll be $5,000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred bucks. Why did it cost so much? "The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "Hey, that one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. The tourist gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a project manager".
1. Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn’t have to do it.
2. You can con a sucker into committing to an impossible deadline, but you cannot con him into meeting it .
3. At the heart of every large project is a small project trying to get out.
4. A user will tell you anything you ask about, but nothing more.
5. Of several possible interpretations of a communication, the least convenient is the correct one.
6. What you don’t know hurts you.
7. There’s never enough time to do it right first time but there’s always enough time to go back and do it again.
8. The bitterness of poor quality lasts long after the sweetness of making a date is forgotten.
9. I know that you believe that you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant.
10. What is not on paper has not been said.
11. A little risk management saves a lot of fan cleaning.
12. If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, you haven’t understood the plan.
13. If at first you don’t succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
14. There are no good project managers – only lucky ones.
15. The more you plan the luckier you get.
16. If everything is going exactly to plan, something somewhere is going massively wrong.
17. A project is one small step for the project sponsor, one giant leap for the project manager.
18. Good project management is not so much knowing what to do and when, as knowing what excuses to give and when.
19. Everyone asks for a strong project manager – when they get them they don’t want them.
20. Overtime is a figment of the naļve project manager’s imagination.
21. Quantitative project management is for predicting cost and schedule overruns well in advance. Metrics are learned men’s excuses.
22. For a project manager overruns are as certain as death and taxes.
23. Some projects finish on time in spite of project management best practices.
24. Fast – cheap – good – you can have any two.
25. There is such a thing as an unrealistic timescale.
26. The project would not have been started if the truth had been told about the cost and timescale.
27. A two year project will take three years, a three year project will never finish.
28. When the weight of the project paperwork equals the weight of the project itself, the project can be considered complete.
29. A badly planned project will take three times longer than expected – a well planned project only twice as long as expected.
30. Warning: dates in a calendar are closer than they appear to be.
31. Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is no time left to change anything.
32. There is no such thing as scope creep, only scope gallop.
33. A project gets a year late one day at a time.
34. If you’re 6 months late on a milestone due next week but really believe you can make it, you’re a project manager.
35. No project has ever finished on time, within budget, to requirement – yours won’t be the first to.
36. Managing IT people is like herding cats.
37. If you don’t know how to do a task, start it, then ten people who know less than you will tell you how to do it.
38. The person who says it will take the longest and cost the most is the only one with a clue how to do the job.
39. The sooner you get behind schedule, the more time you have to make it up.
40. The nice thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise rather than being preceded by a period of worry and depression.
On this page I put some Software Management lessons for QA (quality assurance) and software testers. These Management lessons are very simple and mainly can help software testers who is involved in any type of testing. The Management lessons found above are listed in order of complexity. However all new Management lessons (regardless of there difficulty) will be added to the bottom of the list. You can find more Management lessons searching the WEB. END Management lessons .
Responsibilities of a Test Manager: Manage the Software Testing Department. Define the quality policy and objectives of the software testing department. Ensure that proper analysis and planning is done for all types of software testing. Define responsibilities to all employees, so that all software testers be aware of the importance of their role in achieving quality objectives within the Software Testing Department. Provide test planning and assign task to all Software Testing Team Leaders. Organize internal Software Testing trainings. Organize the Software Testing team meetings. Prepare the Agenda for all meeting. Allocate resource to Software Testing projects. Review quartelly Testers' status reports and take necessary actions (ensures adequate performance of the team members) Verify that all Team members have sufficient work. Escalate Software Testers' issues to the Sr. Management. Review and estimate all software testing projects. Review or evaluate the company's Quality processes and procedures. Review or evaluate Software Testing plans Review evaluation Software Testing tools for the organization. Inter group co-ordination between various departments and Software Testing team. Provide technical support to the Software Testing team. Continuous monitoring and mentoring of Software Testing team members. Attend weekly meeting of projects and provide inputs from the Testers' perspective. Immediate notification/escalation of problems to the Senior Management. Track and report activities of the testing team to the Sr. Management. Check for timely delivery of different Software Testing milestones. Verify content and structure of all Software Testing documents and reports. Motivate Software Testing team members. Provide cost, progress, test team status reporting of all Software Testing activities.