A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate him.
Management Lesson:To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull." They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch
of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson:Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet witched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts
did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Management Lesson:You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for advancement will pass right by you.
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... But she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her a
nd said, 'I'll give you $100. if you let me have sex with you... The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!. Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.' She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...So she called him and explained
the situation. Her boyfriend says. 'Ask him for $200., and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able
to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriends
call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened...?' Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'
Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity,
You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources Manager during the welcoming
briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something
to eat, but please don’t eat any employees".
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You’re all working very hard and I’m satisfied
with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company’s performance.
However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one
of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we’ve
been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But Noo, you had to go and eat
someone who actually does something!"
Management lesson:
The higher you are in your management career, the less work you have to do.
Lesson 11:
---------
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.
Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a Passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran
home and started to tell his mother.
'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went back to look and he was Giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take
off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story,
lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's Face when you
tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny
started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he
helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt
Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when
Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'
Mummy fainted!
Management lesson:
Sometimes you need to just shute up and listen to the whole story
Before you interrupt!
The Peter Principle is the principle that "In a Hierarchy Every Employee Tends to Rise to His Level of Incompetence." It was formulated by Dr. Laurence J. Peter and Raymond Hull in their 1969 book The Peter Principle, a humorous treatise which also introduced the "salutary science of Hierarchiology", "inadvertently founded" by Peter. It holds that in a hierarchy, members are promoted so long as they work competently. Sooner or later they are promoted to a position at which they are no longer competent (their "level of incompetence"), and there they remain, being unable to earn further promotions.[wiki]
The Dilbert Principle refers to a 1990s satirical observation by Dilbert cartoonist Scott Adams stating that companies tend to systematically promote their least-competent employees to management (generally middle management), in order to limit the amount of damage they're capable of doing. [wiki]
MANAGEMENT STORIES
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the
flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures -
the whole thing is just a mess. A tester comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls
the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of
the managers and walks away.
After the tester has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like a tester, we're
looking for the height and he gives us the length."
A man piloting a hot air balloon discovers he has wandered off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower
altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the balloon further and shouts "Excuse me, can you tell
me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.
"Yes I do," replies the man. "And how did you know that?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "what you told me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone." The man below says,
"You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect my immediate help.
You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault!"
Expensive Monkeys
A guy went into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper,
"I'll have a C monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage
at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash,
handed to the customer,saying, "That'll be $5,000."
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went
over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey.
Most of them are only a few hundred bucks. Why did it cost so much?
"The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast,
tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "Hey, that one's even more
expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming,
Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage
of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. The tourist gasped to
the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together!
What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything,
but it says it's a project manager".
When they sat down, 1 of them discovered that The Salt Shaker contained Pepper & The Pepper Shaker was full of Salt. How could they Swap The Contents of The 2 Bottles without spilling any & using only The Implements At Hand? Clearly this was A Job for IT managers Minds. The Group debated the Problem, Presented Ideas & finally came up with A Brilliant Solution involving A Napkin, a Straw & an Empty Saucer.
They called The Waitress over, ready to Dazzle Her with Their Solution. "Miss", they said," We couldn't help but notice that The Pepper Shaker contains Salt & The Salt Shaker - ". But before they could finish, the Waitress interrupted, "Oh! Sorry about that".
On this page I put Jokes about software Managers software Management .
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