The jester testers 1

10. Your love letters get returned to you marked up with 
red ink, highlighting your grammar and spelling mistakes.
9. When you complain about him spending too much time with 
you, he replies that he's in the middle of a soak test.
8. He keeps asking for a "spec" so he'll know how his 
"harness" should "interface" with you.
7. He'll always do something wrong twice so he can provide 
accurate repro steps.
6. When you tell him that you won't change something, 
he'll offer to allow you two other flaws in exchange for 
changing this one.
5. When you ask him how you look in an outfit, he'll 
actually tell you.
4. When you give him the "It's not you, it's me" breakup 
line, he'll agree with you and give specifics.
3. He won't help change a burned out lightbulb because his 
job is simply to report that it's burned out.
2. He'll keep bringing up old problems that you've since 
worked out just to make sure that they're still gone.

...and the number one way to tell you're dating a 
tester...

1. In the bedroom, he keeps "probing" the incorrect 
"input."

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to Produce a baby.

9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby

10 Signs You Might Be Working At IBM

by David Letterman
 

10 You lecture the neighbourhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.

9 You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear shorts to work.

8 You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.

7 You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

6 You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

5 You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.

4 You know the people at Marriott hotels better than your next-door neighbours.

3 You ask your friends to "think outside the box" when making Friday night plans.

2 You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

 

And, the number one sign you work for IBM...

1 You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive ----- but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

The CEO was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert’s unfinished Symphony.  Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company’s Quality Assurance Manager. The next morning, the CEO asked him how he enjoyed it, and he was handed a report, which read as follows:

For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.  All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut.  If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.  Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver.  If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.

No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings.  If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

In light of the above, one can conclude that if Schubert had had basic quality training including six sigma, lean composition and Prince 2, he would have completed a much more efficient symphony.

from Paul Sloane

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